when i’m around you, everything goes away. i get a glimpse of what it’s like to be happy again. even when we’re wrestling eachother or you’re squeezing my knee until i scream, i’m happy. even if you’re yelling at me to get off your porch or out of your room, i love every second i spend with you. being with you can make my worst day turn into a great day. when you hug me, i feel safe and protected in your arms, & i never want to let go. your smell and how you hold me close calms me down. i don’t know how you do it, but i love it.
today i walked into black diamond in the moorestown mall for the first time in over a year, and i almost broke down in tears. my eyes got all watery and my hands were shaking and i was blinking like crazy and thinking too much for my own good. the first time i ever went to that skatepark was with vince & his mom. that was back before it was black diamond, & the store connected to another part of the mall, and there were air hockey tables. i can’t even begin to explain how much i miss & love him. rest in peace.
i’m sitting here thinking about everything & nothing. i’m thinking about my best friend abby, and how beautiful she is. she is so skinny and amazing and i’m thinking about how bad i probably look next to her. she gets all the guys and she is wonderful. i’m thinking about the people i hate and how i never want to see any of them again, but i know once school starts up again i’ll have to. i’m thinking about my boys and how i love them so much and that i’d be lost without them. i’m thinking about my seniors and how they graduated last friday and how they’ve gotta leave and go on with their lives and how i don’t want them to go. i’m thinking about my life and how good it’s been lately, but also how fucked up it is too. i’m thinking about my scars, and how i want more, and how beautiful they are, and how i’m battling myself, and how i made a promise that i’m desperate to keep. i’m thinking about pedro, and i love that boy dearly, and i don’t know where i would be without him. he’s scared me so much recently and i am so worried about him. i just want him to be ok. i’m thinking about how i want to smoke, i want to have that feeling of being on top of the world and nothing else matters. i want to not care about anything without being bothered. i’m also thinking about seweryn, and how he has the ability to make me laugh over absolutley nothing at all, and how i like him a lot, and how he doesn’t like me back. he’s my polak, and he’s protective over me, which i kind of like. he’s completley amazing and seems to be everything i need and want right now. whenever i’m sad i want to be with him, he can make me smile more than anyone in the world. i want to be his girlfriend, and not just his buddy. i’m thinking about my parents and how they piss me off to no end, and how i want them to give up on me and let me do what i want. i’m thinking about my future and how it seems like i’ve got nothing going for me. i’m thinking about nothing important but everything that matters. thinking this much usually leads to another breakdown, which is exactly what i can’t seem to avoid.