i just really need to get this out.
you understand everything about me. you get my issues and my insecurities and my pain. you completley understand. i know you so well, like the back of my hand. you know everything about me. i love you to death, but not in the way that counts. when i talk to him, the first thing that pops into my mind is "he doesn’t understand." try as hard as he may, he doesn’t get me like you do. that’s why i can’t confide in him easily. i know you. you know me. he doesn’t have a clue. yes, i love him. in the way that counts. i love you like i would love my best friend, because you are my best friend. when i tell you that i’d be lost without you, it is true. you are the ONE and ONLY person that has ever understood me. you don’t judge, you help, you care, and that’s just what i need.
your past, your life now, isn’t very good. you have absolutley no clue how much i want to change that. i would do anything to give you the life you deserve. i do my best to help, and i know i do, but i’m scared one day i won’t be enough. i’m scared one day you’re not going to be here.
i need you like a heroin addict needs drugs. i don’t ever, EVER want to lose you. you help so much. i’ve never ever met someone so understanding. so amazing. i love you so much. i know i don’t love you in the way you want me to, and i’m sorry. i truley am. i want the best for you. i don’t want you to hurt, and i’m trying my hardest to protect you, but i can’t. i don’t know how, and i hate that. you’re always here for me, and i’m always going to be therre for you. thank you.
People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.
it was me, jose, and will. they drove up to my house and i ran over to will and gave him a big hug. then they came inside, and we were just chillin’ there untill my parents came home. me & will were just laying in my bed sleeping. sleeping in the most innocence of the phrase, like what one would do at naptime in kindergarden. i’m not sure where jose was in this part. but then he came back and me, will, jose, my mom, my dad, and my sister had dinner. my mom and my sister and i went into another room; we talked about how my dad was making things awkward, but the boys were laughing so we came back. then, me & will, & jose were suddenly in this hotel thing with a bunch of cars everywhere. they were in suits and ties and i was in sweatpants and socks. i saw them standing over this balcony one level above where i was, so i rushed to find them. i slid through these doors and fell, because, i am a huge klutz that is always tripping over my own feet. they sat there while i tried to regain my balance and sit down with them. somehow, i fell again, and this lady jumped out the window, killing herself. then we were at the high school delivering things for mr. may. there was a hobo there, but he helped out. then, my dentist office was inside the school, and my retainer was broken. so i gave it to the receptionist, and she dissapeared. then all these sears trucks drove away from my school. then i woke up.
you’re scaring me. do you even have the slightest idea of how much you mean to me? you mean a lot to me. a very lot. you’re scaring me so much right now. 8:30 was the last time you texted me. you said you wished you could die. holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit. i’m not goona be able to sleep. i need to know that you’re ok. please be ok. i’m so close to going over to your house right now. i’m so scared. please be ok.
so i was getting a ride home from will today, and nick & dylan were in the back seat. they were messing with me and i’m trying to listen to eminem up in the front. so nick changes the song and after a few seconds of badly mixed crap, it says I JUST HAD SEX! and then after more stuff, it was like IT FELT SO GOOD WHEN I DID IT WITH MY PENIS. i was like whhat the hell kinnda song is this?
she said i wouldn’t be "allowed" to leave. so what? i don’t have to be “allowed” to do anything, i’ll just do it. all week i’ve been planning my escape from this place. i know how to do it. i want to. god i want to so bad. get me out of here.
Not everything goes as we plan, but we always pray to have people that will be there, that will help us stick through these times. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be there for you. Through everything (:
i love how you’ve been practically ignoring me all week. you complain and complain and complain that we never get to hang out. well, asshole, i was free on friday & most of saturday, but YOU didn’t answer your phone. YOU never called or texted me back. looks like it’s YOUR fault this time. not mine.
8591) If you really know me you would not want to be me. What goes on in my head really scares me sometimes. I may give you the impression of a person so chill and carefree but thats just what you see not what i feel. I feel like such a winey bitch of complaining because I have it better than most, but i just can’t help feeling like this. Honesty, my life doesn’t mean much to me, if I wasn’t so afraid of hurting the people around me I would easily give it up. I know I’m being selfish because so many people in the world can’t have it as good as I do but I don’t even know why i think like this. I really want to stop feeling like this i don’t want to have the urge to hurt myself.